More than any past holidays, this year I've been struck with the depth of feeling abandoned by my family. For years, it's chipped away at my self esteem and bruised my emotional health.
This year is different though. My yearning is deeper. I long for a family that connects with one another on the holidays. Or connects with each other at all, for that matter. A family that doesn't distain, defame, and abuse. Dare I ask for a family that loves one another?
I'm of two minds on this. One side of me is driven to analyze over and over how these relationships have become so strained. Even when I know (or think I know) the reasons, I try to figure it out again, as if it will bring me to a different conclusion. It doesn't.
The other part of my mind doesn't need more questions. I focus on solutions. I ask myself, 'Will I accept how things are, try to rekindle relationships, or focus on building new friendships as a replacement?'
According to Colossians 3:12-15, "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so must you do also. In addition to all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ, to which you were indeed called in one body, rule in your hearts; and be thankful."
The Holy Spirit has called me to be a Pillar of Peace. I choose peace with family members, no matter their ongoing or future actions.
God commands me to forgive them (Eph 4:32,) but what comes after that? Do we celebrate the holidays together, knowing that my very presence is fueling their ongoing sin and harm? Am I supposed to try to reconcile with people who aren't interested in a relationship with me? If I'm honest, that's where it hurts the most.
It helps to remove my emotions from the situation. If I saw my family members exhibit the same behavior towards someone else, would I continue to interact with the instigators? My answer is a resounding no. I wouldn't stand by and do nothing in the face of ongoing abuse. I would lovingly speak to them and try to persuade them to turn away from such sinful behavior. (Eph 4:15)
If they refused, I would shake the dust off my feet and refrain from further contact (even though they are my family.)
I would urge the victim to sever all contact--and forgive them.
Here's my take, for what it's worth: I can forgive without enabling. I can love my family from a distance, sending Christmas cards and gifts without engaging in person.
1 Corinthians 5:11-13 says, "But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is a sexually immoral person, or a greedy person, or an idolater, or is verbally abusive, or habitually drunk, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a person. For what business of mine is it to judge outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within the church? But those who are outside, God judges. Remove the evil person from among yourselves."
This verse is typically referenced in regards to disfellowshipping a person from the church. God tells us to remove the evil person from our midst so that they are convicted in their hearts, turn from their ongoing sin, and return to unity with Christians.
It hurts to not have a relationship with my family. It hurts worse to enable their sin. I hope that one day we can be reconciled, but until that happens, I'll wait patiently and prayerfully.
Above all, love each other deeply (1 Peter 4:8.)
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