At church this week, an amazing man shared his testimony. It was tumultuous, with extreme lows and God forgiving him of a depraved past. As I listened, I thought of my own salvation story.
I was raised in a conservative Christian family. We went to church every Wednesday and twice on Sunday. None of my family drank, or used drugs, or did any of the things that the general public consider "sinful." I didn't cuss, and I didn't have friends that cussed. To my chagrin, I was constantly called a 'goodie two shoes.'
When I was 13, I was baptized by my grandpa; I became a Christian.
A couple years passed, and I began to feel like my testimony was pretty thin. I'd hear stories about how God saved people from deeply sinful lives, and it made my story seem puny. God hadn't forgiven me of all that much, had he?
I felt that way for a few years. I thought maybe I need to sin a little (or a lot) then get forgiven so I could really appreciate the gravity of God's forgiveness. Let's be direct: that was sinful thinking on my part.
And I thought, 'Well God's going to forgive me anyway, so I might as well do some stuff (AKA sin.)'
How much must that kind of thinking break God's heart?
It's not how forgiveness works. Look at Romans 6:1-2, "What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it?"
We shouldn't sin and just plan to ask for forgiveness later. That's not true repentance. God absolutely wants to erase our sins with his amazing grace, but he knows the sincerity of our hearts.
So sure enough, I turned away from God and sinned, and sinned, and sinned. Some of those sins were dangerous. Some were exciting (at the time.) All of them were reckless.
And what did those sins bring about? Change in my heart. I wasn't so concerned with God anymore, or forgiveness, or even having a really impressive testimony so I could feel awe over all the things God helped me overcome. Instead, I found myself just wanting more and more sin.
Years later, I've come to a true place of sorrowful repentance. And God has forgiven me, but it doesn't mean that I don't continue to feel shame about who I used to be. When I set out to sin on purpose, I had no idea it would result in a lifetime of regret. Yes, there is freedom in Christ, and he can remove my sorrow, but I think he lets us remember our painful pasts so that we don't continue to pursue that path.
And maybe it's also to know the depth of his forgiveness.
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